Old Life, New Outlook

 “‘We’ll take up where we left off, Esther,’ she had said, with her sweet, martyr’s smile. ‘We’ll act as if all this were a bad dream.’” (237).

The question of whether Esther is starting somewhere new at the end of The Bell Jar or simply returning to her old life is an interesting one. Based on the quote above, Ms. Greenwood believes that Esther’s time spent in the psychiatric institutions is nothing more than a temporary interruption - a nightmare that can be erased by returning to normalcy. But what is the “normalcy” that Esther will be returning to? 

The novel ends just as Esther steps into the interview with the board of directors, in hopes that they’ll clear her to return to her college. In literal terms, this is the return to normalcy her mother envisions: Esther back in school, resuming her studies, continuing along the academic path that she once succeeded on. From this interpretation, Esther's mental crisis would be viewed as a brief detour from her promising trajectory, one that does not fundamentally alter who she is or where she is headed. 

However, this interpretation overlooks Esther's personal and inner growth throughout the novel. Although she may be returning to the same college she attended prior to her mental health crisis, Esther is not the same person. Before her mental health issues, Esther made her way through life and school fueled by external validation. She defined herself by the praise she received for good grades, winning competitions/scholarships, and obtaining prestigious internships. However, this identity was superficial and reflected the expectations of those around her rather than what she truly wanted. When discussing her internship in New York, she acknowledges, “I was supposed to be having the time of my life…the envy of thousands of other college girls just like me all over America…but I couldn’t get myself to react” (2). She also expresses a sense of disconnect from her expected identity when being photographed for the magazine. Esther is asked to present a clear sense of who she wants to be so that it can be captured in the photograph, yet she cannot meet that expectation and breaks down, beginning to cry. In both instances, Esther appears to understand how she should be feeling and who she should be, according to the expectations of those around her. Still, she is unable to articulate what she herself actually wants. 

In some ways, Esther’s identity crisis culminates when she is rejected from the writing course she applied to. She describes the course as “a bright, safe bridge over the dull gulf of the summer,” highlighting how much she had pinned her hopes on external validation (114). Without academic success and the praise it brings, Esther’s identity slips away, and she has no idea who she is. 

By the end of the novel, Esther still hasn’t figured out exactly who she is or what she wants. Before her interview, she reflects, “I had hoped, at my departure, I would feel sure and knowledgeable about everything that lay ahead…Instead, all I could see were question marks” (243). To a certain extent, Esther remains the same person she was at the beginning of the novel, uncertain and unable to fully define her identity. However, the difference between the Esther at the beginning of the novel and the Esther at the end is that, at the end, she now has the ability to be okay with not fully knowing who she is. Esther, at the end of the novel, has the courage to acknowledge that her future is full of question marks, and still return to college and the rest of the world. This recognition demonstrates that Esther is not simply returning to her old life - the one in which she identified herself by the expectations and validation of those around her - but starting somewhere new, approaching the world with acceptance of her uncertainty.